Undercover Lover
by Edward hearts Musique
Summary: Being in love is tough. Especially when you have to watch the one you love be in a relationship with your sister. Follow Edward as he realises that maybe he doesn't need to just watch anymore. Can he deal with the guilt? Lemon-slash Ed/Jasper fic AH/AU/OC
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hi guys! so here it is, my very first attempt at a slash fic. I hope that you enjoy! I've got so many people to thank already because without them I probably wouldn't have had the guts to post this - Naelany and WhitlocksGirl who helped me get the ball rolling and MorganaL who is my super duper Beta! Thanks guys (",)**

**This fic is in Edward's POV and it will be for the whole story. **

**  
Now onto the main event...unfortunately I don't own the characters, Stephenie Meyer does...**

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Alice better appreciate this. I rolled my eyes to myself**,** gripping the steering wheel a little tighter as I slowed down; the car was practically crawling now at 20 mph. I forgot about morning traffic, it's a bitch. I hate driving slowly; I don't know how these nine**-**to**-**fivers do it everyday. I sighed as I came to a complete stop behind an Audi s4 convertible, the driver blaring out the sounds of Flo Rida. I rubbed my temples with my middle and index fingers; _Alice BETTER appreciate this_**,** I repeated to myself. It's not every day I'll take the time out of the few hours I get to myself to help out my twin sister in her clothing boutique**. **But today she's desperate for staff and I just so happened to be a little tired of composing**,** so I thought **'**what the heck**'**.

Alice and I are very close**;** typical, non-identical twins. We used to be joined at the hip growing up; well**,** sort of, considering that I'm nearly a foot taller than she is, which she still complains about practically everyday. But she and I haven't had a chance to spend much quality time together recently, what with her being in love with my ex-best friend and those two now being inseparable.

She doesn't know the real reason why Jasper and I fell out two years ago**,** and to this day she keeps trying to force our friendship to re-kindle. To be honest I don't know why I never told her. I wasn't ashamed of myself; I was ashamed of him and of the fact that I did once call him my best friend. You think that you know someone when in reality you only know what they intend for you to see.

_Jasper and I met in our first year of college; we shared a dorm and became best friends almost instantaneously as we quickly discovered how much we actually had in common. I'd known for a little while by then that I was definitely one hundred percent into guys but had only truly admitted it to myself fairly recently. In my mind, I had taken a huge step and the only people in the world that knew were my big brother Emmett and my twin sister. They both told me that they already had their suspicions and that as long as I was happy they would always be happy for me._

_They gave me the confidence to go after what I really wanted in my life. The only problem was, at that moment in time what – or mainly who - I really wanted was unobtainable…Jasper._

_It didn't take long for me to realise that I'd fallen in love with him, but with all those late nights being drinking partners and him telling me about his previous and current conquests it didn't take long for me to realise that I would never have him. Jasper was one hundred percent straight. End of discussion. Never had __been __and never would be with another man._ _  
_

_I didn't actually get the chance to ever sit down and tell him about my sexual preferences; it was something that he kind of just walked in on._

_It was a Friday night and instead of having my usual night out at the student bar with Jazz I was in the dorm by myself __whil__e__ he was out on a date. I felt that familiar pinch in my heart as the thought that I could never be with the one that I loved played across my mind, knowing that he was out at that very moment__**,**__ probably 'loving' that girl. I tried not to think about all that he could be doing with her and thought about the '__what-ifs__'__**;**__ like__**: **__W__hat if he was with me? What if he loved me too? What if he wanted to fuck me as much as I wanted him? What if he dreamed of me filling his virgin hole at night while I lay across the room from him?_ _  
_

_Ok__**,**__ it was thoughts like that which continuously got me into trouble around him. The__ number__ of times that I had to hide my boner from him was beyond inconceivable. It was practically a full time job; I should have been used to that uncomfortable feeling of my dick straining against my thick jeans by now. But I wasn't__**;**__ just thinking of him got me so hard, my body __literally__ ached for him._ _  
_

_Deciding not to fight it that night__**,**__ I sat on the edge of my bed after stripping myself of all my clothes. Jasper had warned me that he wasn't planning on coming home so there was no need for me to be discreet. _

_I let my hand ghost along the shaft from base to tip before slowly circling my index finger around the head of my dick. My mind started to wander__**:**__ images of Jasper walking around in only his boxers__**,**__ sporting his morning wood__**,**__ entered my mind; his hair so messy that it could be mistaken for sex hair. God I wanted him, so bad. I let those images develop in my imagination._

_I saw myself kissing up and down his body, licking and biting him in places that he never knew would create the reaction he was giving me. He'd be squirming beneath me __and__ begging me to give my full attention to his engorged member. I could imagine the noises he'd make as I sucked it deep into my throat__**,**__ giving him the best head that he's ever experienced __whil__e __preparing him with my lubricated fingers, slowly massaging him. I'd carefully slip a finger inside of his tight hole and as I continued to both stretch and stimulate him he'd become more and more vocal__**,**__ making it almost impossible for me to hold back any longer._ _  
_

_I'd crawl in between his open legs and pull them to rest over my shoulder__s. A__s I carefully slipped the head of my penis into his hole we'd both groan__**,**__ revelling in the immense pleasure, knowing that this was where we were supposed to be. I'd slowly pump in and out as he became used to my size and soon we'd both be panting and grunting as the pace quickened._

_As my imagination was overflowing__**,**__ my hand was moving furiously along my length, my wrist circling as it reached the tip__**.**__S__oon I could feel the familiar energy charging through my abdomen. I thought about how Jasper might look and sound __whi__le__ he was coming undone and was rewarded with my own release. My body shook as I exploded into my_ _hand, grunting out Jasper's name as I had in my imagination. As I stood to get cleaned up__**,**__ I was met with the shocked eyes of the star of my fantasy._

I groaned as I remembered that day **--** the day that I found out that my best friend, the person that I loved from afar, was a homophobic prick. I understand that it must have been quite shocking to walk in on your best friend jacking off while repeatedly moaning your name but the things that he said to me that night were so hurtful and damaging to my self-esteem that I don't think that I can forgive him. We haven't spoken since that day**.** I moved out as soon as I could and crashed at Emmett's until I could get my own place.

I've never repeated what happened to anyone and I don't think that he did either. I hid the pain of losing my best friend and love from everyone; no one knew how much pain it caused me**.** Things became even worse for me when he and Alice started seeing each other. Was he trying to fuck with me?

_Both Alice and Emmett could see that something was wrong at that stage and just assumed that I was having trouble in love and didn't want to talk about it. Emmett even offered to go to a gay bar with me to get me out of my rut much__**,**__ to my amusement. I didn't take him up on his offer; I wasn't ready to put myself out there yet. Any confidence that I had built up in myself had quickly been cut down to size with the cruel words that had poured from __Jasper's__ mouth. I just needed some more time._

And that is what I gave myself. After a few months I was able to come to terms with the fact that my sister and Jasper were a happy couple. It didn't mean that I was happy to see them together, but I could at least act civil towards him when we were forced to be within a two mile radius at family gatherings instead of letting him know that his words had made me hate him in a way that I never knew possible.

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Finally pulling up outside of Alice's store**,** I put the car in park and lazily stalked towards the front entrance. It wasn't opening time for another two hours and so I knocked and waited for her to let me in. She greeted me with the biggest smile on her face. How can she be such a morning person and me such a night owl? Sometimes it really doesn't make sense how different we are.

"Hi Edward! Thanks so much for doing this for me. You have NO idea how much you are helping me out today, it's ridiculous. Tanya told me that she would be back no later than yesterday and totally bailed on me with her shift last night. I'm going to have to fire her, I'm going to hate to do it but it has to be done. I can't keep covering her shifts like this and I know you're not going to be able to do this everyday but really-**-**"

Okay, I had to stop her there. That's another difference between Alice and I; she didn't know when to shut up. I have to admit that I did love that about her, she could talk to anyone and be their friend instantly whereas I needed to warm up to most people before having a full on conversation.

"Alice…listen, no problem. I would say **'**anytime**',** but I don't want you to take me too literally**.** But seriously**,** it's no problem."

Her smile brightened even more as she replied her thanks softly, beckoning for me to follow her.

"Okay, so I really need you to help with some of the new stock before we open up. We just got a delivery last night and I need the paperwork to be finished in the back office. Do you think you can do that for me while I run into town for my meeting?"

I rolled my eyes "Alice**,** you're acting as though I've never worked in the store before**.** Come on**,** drop me some slack."

She bit her lip and played with her hands; she was up to something. What, I had no idea**,** but I know that look anywhere. She seemed to relax as she let out the breath she was holding and led me to her office to show me exactly what she wanted done.

"Alright, so you're _sure_ that you're going to be ok with everything**,** right?" I sighed exasperatedly before ruffling her hair and physically pushing her out of the office**.** "HEY, hey, watch the hair" she exclaimed**,** running away from me as I laughed.

"Alice**,** just leave, I've done this so many times that it's insulting that you're worried**.**" This time**,** she rolled her eyes at me.

"Jeez, I was just making sure. I got someone coming in a little while to straighten out the front of the store before opening time and then they'll deal with the front until I get back so you won**'**t need to worry…about…all of that…" She trailed off**,** biting her lip again. I shook my head**,** ignoring her weird behaviour.

"Ok ok, just get going. You're slowing me down…." She laughed as she made her way out of the store "Good luck at the meeting**,**" I called after her.

"Thanks! Good luck to you**,** too!" She replied. Why on earth would I need good luck? I shook my head**,** thinking 'short little crazy lady' as I sat down at her desk.

----

I was a little way through my work for Alice when I heard the front door of the store open up. Guessing that it was her other helper**,** I didn't let that distract me from what I was doing. The quicker I got finished the quicker I could effectively be out of here.

I heard them lock the door behind them before moving on to straightening up around the front. I only took my eyes off of my work as they made their way into the office**,** speaking as they rounded the corner. As I came eye to eye with Jasper, only one word was able to pierce through my subconscious being – _shit!_

"Good morning Tan-**-**" He spoke before he saw me. My breath caught in my throat as my mind registered that Jasper was standing in front of me. We both froze**;** his mouth was half open as he was in the middle of saying good morning to whom I assume he thought was Tanya.

He quickly recovered and straightened up**,** swallowing before greeting me with a simple "Edward"**.** I lifted one eyebrow and nodded my greeting**,** waiting for him to leave the same way that he entered. He didn't**;** he just stood there and so we stayed in a staring match.

"Uh, what are you doing here?" His eyes narrowed in suspicion**.**

"If you haven't noticed, this is my sister's store. I don't need to explain myself to you…" He looked taken aback with my hostility**.** He was used to me being civil**,** but Alice wasn't here so there was no need to keep the peace to spare her feelings at this point in time.

"Yeah…There are a lot of things you don't feel the need to explain**,** am I right?" He crossed his arms over his chest. I could now tell that this was not only a bad idea, but it was Alice's bad idea. It was the reason she was acting all weirdish earlier on, she'd planned for us to be here at the same time conning us both into sharing this space. Another one of her 'Get Edward and Jasper talking again' schemes.

I really didn't have the emotional or physical strength for this right now. I was tired, tired of hating him and tired of how he still made me feel after all this time. I hated the fact that after everything that had happened, my body still reacted to him as it did when we were in college.

He was still staring at me, standing assertively and ready for a showdown of sorts. I came to the conclusion that this might be my one chance to get everything off of my chest and so decided to run with it. I started off cool and collected**,** trying to show a confidence that I didn't truly own. Hopefully he wouldn't see right through my façade and reduce me to tears as he did all those years ago.

"Jasper**,** I've never needed to explain _anything_, least of all to you. There are probably a million and one things that I could have explained but I am so glad that I didn't waste my trust on someone like you."

I looked at him with what I hoped looked like disgust**,** when in reality my stomach was clenching with so many nerves I couldn't feel much else**.** I could see my words processing as he took them in. "Someone like me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"What do you think it means? Swallow a fucking clue…" He looked at me incredulously before instantly replying.

"From you? Nah, I wouldn't know where it's been." Immediately**,** he closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his face as I recovered from what he'd said**;** trying not to read into it too deeply. He sighed**,** seemingly in resignation**,** before continuing**.** "Listen, Edward, I didn't mean that…"

"Really…" I feigned boredom as I attempted to get back to work**.** Hopefully he'd take the hint and just leave me the fuck alone. I seriously can't deal with this…with him… and not just right now, but ever. I never fully got over what went down that night and I just wasn't ready for this.

Instead of leaving he sat himself down in the computer chair on the other side of the room. What the hell was he doing? I stared at him in disbelief as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees**,** looking down to the floor. As he was no longer looking at me I used this time to get a real look at him.

He'd filled out over the years. Jasper had always had a great body but I could tell that he'd put on a good few pounds in muscle since we were friends. His hair was slightly shorter**,** now reaching his ears**,** but was the same wavy texture that I used to dream of running my fingers through. His baby face was long gone with the arrival of a new chiseled jaw line covered with a small amount of stubble which made him look very distinguished. Realising that he still hadn't spoken or moved**,** I decided to speak up.

"What are you doing?" He looked at me through his lashes without lifting his head and started playing with his hands; a trait that he must have picked up from Alice.

"Edward, I owe you an apology. I don't want to fight with you…I never did." I stared at him dumbly**,** feeling as though I was in a parallel universe

"So…what? You just say homophobic remarks for the sake of it?" He closed his eyes and hung his head in what – if I didn't know any better- looked like shame.

"I didn't mean it**,**" he whispered without moving. Now I was truly confused**.** I leaned back in my chair**,** trying to piece together what he was actually saying. I didn't get it.

"What?" I didn't particularly want to have this conversation and the fact that he was beating around the bush was starting to grate on my nerves.

"I didn't mean those things that I said to you…any of them**.**" He spoke a little louder now staring me straight in the eye. It felt unnerving. The look that he was giving me held so much fire and emotion that I couldn't hold it for long. I straightened up in my chair and tried to get comfortable**.** I suddenly felt very out of place.

"…so why did you say them?" He shrugged, just fucking shrugged like we were in elementary school. I growled in annoyance and started to get back to my work.

"I was in shock…I was…scared**,** I guess**.**" My pen stopped immediately.

"Scared? _You_ were fucking scared?" I laughed**.** "You were scared and so you decided to verbally abuse your best friend. Your best friend who was petrified of coming out because of assholes like you**.**" I was livid **--** how dare he pull the 'scared' card? There was no way he was going to get away with that one but it seemed my shouting at him got his back up again, his vulnerable pose a thing of the past.

"How the fuck was I supposed to react? What would you do if you walked in on someone jacking off**,** fantasizing about you? I was confused enough; I didn't need you adding fuel to the fire!" He was standing up**,** looking down at me with blaming eyes.

"Wait, what? What do mean, you were confused?" I stood slowly, watching his reaction to my words as he realised what he had said. When it became obvious that he wasn't going to say anything I repeated my question. He abruptly turned and headed towards the office door. There was no way that this conversation was ending now; I needed to find out what he was talking about**.** I dashed in front of him and slammed the door before he had a chance to go through it.

"Edward, back off!" He spoke through his teeth aggressively**,** but I didn't move from the door**.** I needed to know what he meant.

"Fuck no, what are you talking about?" I spoke with conviction**,** trying to show him that I wasn't backing down. I wanted answers, but it seemed he wasn't prepared to give them without a fight. He pushed me away from the door but I quickly found my footing and pushed him back with a little more force**,** causing him to stumble back a couple of steps.

He retaliated with a swift punch to my cheekbone**,** leaving me seeing stars for a split second. As he tried to make a run for the door I pulled him back by the waist**.** I swung him to the floor before diving on top of him to stop him from moving. I was straddled over his waist**,** pinning his shoulders to the floor as he struggled to get free.

"Get the fuck off of me**,** Edward!" he shouted**,** still trying to get free; I was a little taller than he was and probably a little heavier because he couldn't move me.

"Not until you tell me what you're talking about**.** This is important. I need to know."

"I'm Bisexual!" he shouted**,** and I froze. "I'm fucking Bi, you happy now?" I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. I was literally frozen in shock and Jasper was panting heavily due to adrenaline beneath me. "No one knows, so…please, just…don't tell anyone."

This woke me from my haze. "Alice?" My voice croaked as I finally got off of him and sat opposite on the floor. He shook his head to my question.

"She doesn't know**.** _No one_ knows" he repeated**,** staring at me pleadingly. We sat in silence for a few minutes, each of us thinking about the enormity of what had just been said and what it now meant for my sister and Jasper. He sighed before continuing.

"Edward**,** I really didn't mean anything that I said to you that night and I've regretted it ever since. Believe it or not, I've really missed you over the years." I looked at him disbelievingly**.** "I said them because I was scared and I felt alone**.** I was hiding from myself for so long, keeping my secret from everyone and I had no idea that you were gay. It was a shock to know that…"

He stopped, and realising that he was about to say something that he might not want to share**,** I egged him on. "It was a shock to know that what?" He hung his head so that we were no longer making eye contact.

"To know that we were sharing the same fantasies about each other…" he looked at me tentatively as my mouth dropped open in shock. "Edward**,** I wanted you from the first day that I saw you. I had to say those things to push you away. I was scared of what would happen if I didn't."

I stood up, not knowing what to do, where to look. My mind was running in overload; I was confused. I started to pace the room. "So, you mean to tell me that after all this time, you…" I couldn't even form the words to express what I wanted to say. He stood up also and took a few steps towards me.

"Edward, listen to me. I know that you don't owe me anything**,** but I'm begging you**.** Please don't tell Alice." That stopped me in my tracks.

"Alice, you're with Alice…but you said you wanted me? Why?"

"I love Alice, I do. I'm just not _in_ love with her. But she was the only way that I'd be able to still see you…"

I ran my hand through my hair before closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose**. **This was all too much for me, it was just too overwhelming. "Why didn't you just say something when you had the chance?" I whispered **.**"You have no idea what your words did to me…I...I loved you"

He froze and stared at me in repentance "Oh Edward…" he took a few more steps towards me and stopped a foot away**,** not knowing what to do now. "I'm so…" He reached for my face.

"Please don't touch me**.**" I took a step backwards away from him and he nodded in acceptance.

"Edward**,** I'm not going to say that if I knew that, things would have been different back then but I do want you to know that it does make a difference to me now. I need to know **...** do you think that you can forgive me?"

I cast my eyes downward**,** not knowing whether I was coming or going. He took this opportunity to close the remaining gap between us and successfully reached for my face**,** caressing it sweetly

"Edward, I'd really like to start again. Please give me a chance…" I couldn't take this; I turned to the desk and picked up my stuff**,** calling to him over my shoulder as I made my way out of the office.

"Tell Alice I'm sorry for not finishing the work but I'll call her later…" I dashed out of the store without a second thought of what I was walking away from.

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**So how'd I do? Don't feel shy, let me know what you think, whether you love it or hate it I'd really like to know :)**

**Musique**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Guys seriously...Thank you so much for all the love that you've shown for this story so far! Your reviews have made me smile and all of your favorite author/story alerts have made me write even faster. I heart you 3!!**

**I also want to thank DefinatelyStaying for helping me along and also pimping out my story!! and MorganaL for being an amazing beta (^^,)**

**If by chance you haven't ever visited the Twislash blog, I recommend that you get over there. It's an amazing blog full of the best slash this side of the fandom. Q&A's with DefinatelyStaying, Porn pic of the day with Dark Absynthe and rec's from WhitlocksGirl and Touchstone67 that will keep you busy as well as guest rec's from your favorite slash authors every month. Visit it at: **http:// twislash(dot)blogspot(dot)com/

**So shall we see how poor Edward has been coping with what Jasper threw at him? ...on with the show! btw I still don't own him or any of the other characters. They belong to Stephenie Meyer...**

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My phone was going off again. I didn't bother to pick it up to see who was calling; I knew that it was Alice **--** either to shout at me for leaving her in the lurch or to apologize for her deceit. I didn't want to hear either one**,** and so let it ring out.

I was lying on the couch with my arm thrown over my face in my darkened living room. No lights, no TV, just me and my mind turning over the events of this morning. Jasper was Bi, he fantasized about me in college, he's only with Alice because it's the closest that he'll get to me – so he says; he wants another chance. A chance at what**,** though, to be my friend? To go back to how things were? Did he want more? Could I give him more? Could I even be his friend? What about Alice?

I was so confused and the more I thought about everything the more confusing it became. Why did he have to be there today, why did he tell me the truth after all of this time?

My mental rant was interrupted by my phone ringing again**.** "Alice**,** go away**.**" I mumbled to myself as I sat up on the couch**,** trying to decide if I should just give in because I knew that she wasn't going to give up. I stared at the phone as it rang in my hand**,** but as the tune rang out I jumped out of my skin as a persistent banging came from my front door.

"Edward**,** open up, let me in!" Alice's muffled voice came from the other side. How the hell did she get up here? I didn't buzz her in and I know that she doesn't have a key. Alice is too used to getting her own way, and even though I didn't feel like talking to her**,** I still found myself heading in that direction to let her in.

I opened the door to see her looking at me with puppy dog eyes**.** She must have sensed my mood because she then tried to lay the guilt trip on thick, trying to get herself out of trouble.

"Are you going to let me in?"

"Are you planning on staying long?" She rolled her eyes and entered anyway**,** walking halfway into my living room before stopping and turning around to face me with crossed arms.

"Edward**,** you just left with no explanations**.** I really needed you today**.**" I sighed and flopped back down onto the sofa**,** stretching my arm out over the back.

"Alice, do you think that I'm stupid? I know you were just trying to get me and Jasper talking again**.** I can read you like a book**.**" She sat beside me and I could see from my peripheral vision that she was staring at my face. "What**,** Alice?"

"Why are you fighting me on this**,** Edward? I know that you're not happy without your best friend-**-**"

"_**Angela **_is my best friend…" I finally looked at her as I interrupted her. She was staring with raised eyebrows at my outburst. She turned in her seat so that she was now facing me as she continued.

"Edward**,** I know that you're not happy with how things are and neither is Jazz**.**" I frowned at her then, wondering how much she knew. "What happened today? He seemed really upset when I got back but wouldn't tell me anything; he just said that I should have told him that you'd be there."

"Yeah**,** you should have. Alice**,** I don't like being backed into a corner and I don't like things being sprung on me. You know that**;** what were you thinking?"

"I don't see the big deal**.** I mea- "She stopped mid-sentence and I glanced at her to see what was up. "Did you two have a fight?" she asked incredulously**,** as she took in the bruise beginning to form on my cheekbone. I tugged my head away as she tried to stroke it. "Oh my God, Edward…did you?"

"It wasn't a fight…but yeah. _Now_ do you understand that we will never be friends again? Will you just drop it?" I stared at her until she nodded**,** looking as though she was deep in thought.

"Ok, I'm sorry… I'll stop." We both collapsed back against the couch, slouching, as I mumbled my thanks and then just sat there in silence. "So…does this mean that you won't be helping me at the store anymore?" I had to laugh, she was so predictable.

--

Alice ended up hanging around for the whole evening**. **We were currently watching her favorite movie**,** "P.S I Love You"**,** and she was sitting next to me in tears over how sweet Gerry was. Holly and her girlfriends were in Ireland watching William perform – I have to say that watching Jeffrey Dean Morgan was the only reason why I agreed to see this movie**;** there was just something about him – when my blackberry buzzed in my pocket. I reached in and pulled it out discreetly**,** not wanting to disturb Alice**,** and read the text that I had received.

_**I'm so sorry, for everything. Please can we talk? Jasper.**_

I sat there**,** stunned**,** for I don't know how long; I didn't know whether I should even acknowledge the message, especially with Alice sitting right next to me. She was engrossed in the movie and didn't notice what had just taken place and so I took a chance and re-read it. I did really want to know what was going through his head, it might help ease my confusion**;** but I still felt uneasy about it all.

Twenty minutes later I finally decided that I owed this to myself**;** I didn't just want to know what he was thinking, I needed it. All of these years had passed and I still hurt over losing him. I needed to know why, and why he felt that now was the time to make amends and so I messaged back.

_**Can't talk now, Alice is here. I'll call you.**_

Less than a minute later I felt my phone vibrate in my hands**.** I hadn't bothered putting it back in my pocket just in case.

_**I'll wait up for your call, thank you. J**_

I relaxed into my couch and tried to get back into the film only to realize that it was ending. I guess that I had underestimated Alice's vision because she was staring at me with scrutinizing eyes.

"So…who was that?" Her eyes were alive with enthusiasm. I shook my head**,** silently telling her not to worry about it and to let it go. "Edward, you never introduce me to anyone! When am I going to get a chance to meet one of your boyfriends?"

"Alice**,** you'll meet one when the time is right**.** I've never been with anyone that I wanted to stay around long enough to meet you" She laughed and shook her head.

"That's so stupid, you've met all of my boyfriends, I don't know why you're so secretive. You know that we'll all be nice to them… Unless you're going back out with that Tyler, I wouldn't be happy with you seeing him again."

I chuckled and threw my arm over Alice's shoulder**,** bringing her closer to me in a sideways hug. Tyler was my first real relationship after I moved out of the dorm**. **We weren't all that serious**,** but he started to fall for me, and at that moment in time my heart just wasn't in it – I was using him to help me get over Jasper. When he told me that he thought he was falling in love with me I told him that I wasn't ready and broke it off. He**,** of course**,** was crushed and whereas I felt bad about it, I felt even worse when I found out that Alice and Jasper had gotten together and were now in a serious relationship. I never told Alice the reason why Tyler and I broke up**,** but after seeing me so upset, she just assumed that it was he who broke my heart and not the other way around.

"You don't need to worry about it Alli, I'm not seeing Tyler." She leaned in and threw her arm around my waist while giving me a little squeeze.

"Good! You know that I just want you to be happy, so whoever Mr Mystery Man is, I hope that he's looking after you. You deserve it." I didn't have the heart to tell her that there was no mystery man, that it was just her boyfriend wanting to talk about a very important secret that he was hiding from her. She stood up abruptly and stretched. "Well**,** I guess I better get going. Seeing as though you won**'**t be helping out in the shop tomorrow**,** I've got a lot of work to do."

I stood up and walked her to the door before giving her a hug and kiss goodbye. As I closed the door behind her**,** I re-thought my decision to speak to Jasper tonight. I felt so disloyal already just for knowing his secret and not telling Alice, but there was something in me that needed this. I needed to speak to him, just to hear his voice. Just knowing that I had this opportunity was eating away at me. I picked up my house phone and dialed his number**,** running my hand through my hair as I waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Jasper? It's…"

"Edward!" He interrupted me**.** "I didn't think that you were actually going to…thanks for calling," he finished softly.

"**U**h, no problem." There was a brief silence as each of us waited for the other to speak first. "So**,** Alice is gone now… if you wanted to talk…"

"I do, I really want to explain everything, and I feel like I owe it to you. I _know_ that I owe it to you." I was silent; I didn't know what to say to that. I felt so awkward actually having a conversation with him**;** we haven't spoken properly in so long that it kind of felt weird to do so. But my curiosity prevailed.

"Well, uh, I don't know if you're busy or anything but I'm free now…if you want to come over…I mean, if you want…it's no problem."

"I can? That would be…that would be great!" After he wrote down my address**,** he let me know that he would be here in fifteen minutes or so. I quickly straightened up the place as best as I could and then waited for him to turn up.

As the time passed, I started to feel nervous but was quickly brought out of my thoughts as I heard my buzzer go off. I picked up the phone**,** making sure that it was definitely Jasper before letting him in**,** and waited by my front door for him to travel up the three floors on the elevator.

He knocked softly on my door and I took a deep calming breath before I let him in. As I opened the door**,** I saw him standing there with his head down and hands stuffed into his pockets. He looked up through his lashes and smiled softly at me. "Hey**.**" His voice was as soft as his smile and he couldn't have looked sexier if he tried. I swallowed down the lump in my throat as I spoke.

"Hey, wanna come in?" I stepped aside and let him walk in front of me. He stopped after a few steps**.** I guessed that, as he's never been here before**,** he wouldn't know where to go. I walked into the living room and sat on the couch as he followed me.

We sat in silence for a little while until I began to get frustrated**;** he was the one that wanted to talk and he had yet to say anything. "So…you wanna tell me about this double life that you've been living?"

He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. "I guess I deserve that one…Look**,** Edward, I know that it probably doesn't make a difference to you**,** but I really do regret lying to you and pushing you away like I did. It hurt me to let you go, but I really thought that what I was doing was for the best."

I stared at him as I tried to digest his words. "You said earlier that you wanted another chance…" He nodded**.** "What do you want a chance at**,** Jasper? What, you wanna just go back to how things were, you wanna be best buds, what do you want?"

He shrugged. "I dunno…I just want somebody to know the real me…all of me, not just the parts that I choose."

"Why me**,** Jasper?" I was getting agitated, none of this made sense. Earlier he had said that we shared the same fantasies in college**.** I needed to know if he still felt the same way. He leaned forward and placed his head in his hands. "Look**,** if you don't wanna talk that's fine, but I'm telling you now that this is your one chance to get everything off your chest." He sighed and sat up**,** staring me straight in the eyes.

"I wanted you from the moment that we became friends; I've never stopped wanting you**,** Edward. It was like a magnetic pull, just to be near you. I've worked so hard to try and ignore how I feel but I can't hide it anymore. I can't live my life in this lie…It hurts too much; I can't take the fact that you hate me, even though I _know_ that I deserve it… I want you to want me back**.** It's all I've ever wanted and I ruined everything." He whispered the last sentence.

My mouth was agape as his words ran over me**.** I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to think**.** I was in complete shock and so just stared at him as my brain tried to put all of the pieces back together again. As the silence grew he began to look even more nervous, playing with his hands and biting the inside of his cheeks.

"Edward, look**,** I know that this must seem pretty crazy to you but I'm finally telling you the truth. It's always been you."

My heart felt as though it was beating a mile a minute, my breath was coming in short spurts as I realized that this was real. I wasn't dreaming. The love of my life was really sitting in front of me after all of these years and saying everything that I've always wanted to hear come out of his mouth. The only problem was that he wasn't up for grabs. He belonged to my sister.

"Why are you doing this?" I grabbed my hair and groaned**. ** "Jasper, I…We…Look**,** we can't have this conversation."

His eyes narrowed as he slid closer to me. "Why not? We can finally talk about this, truthfully. No more secrets…please…talk to me**.**"

I looked up to the ceiling as I tried to think through the pros and cons of having this conversation, but my mind just wasn't working as it should. I finally looked at him, and then realized that I wanted to tell him. I took another deep breath as I laid it on the line for him.

"Jasper, I couldn't tell you how I felt in college because I was just coming to terms with it myself, and now…you're with Alice so it-**-**"

"But it's you that I want, not Alice…" My heart jumped again, and then sank as the guilt washed over me. I don't think that I could ever get used to hearing him tell me that**,** and even though part of me rejoiced at hearing it, I knew it was wrong**.** But **--** my mouth still moved before my brain could register it.

"I want you**,** too" I whispered**.** I couldn't stop myself, I knew that I should have kept my mouth shut and told him to get lost**,** but I couldn't. Jasper's always had my heart whether I wanted him to or not and being in this situation stopped me from thinking logically.

He stared at me in shock, his facial expression slowly changing into a beaming smile as he moved even closer to me. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch as he brought his hand up to my cheek and then ever so slowly he brought his lips closer, so slowly that I held my breath in anticipation until they finally met mine.

His lips were so soft, slowly brushing from side to side as if asking for permission. But it wasn't needed, I couldn't move. My body, my heart**,** and my mind were all fighting against each other and my final burst of will power seemed to crumble under his touch. His lips began to move carefully over mine. I could tell that he was as nervous as I was, but he still insisted on showing me that this is what he wanted. What he knew that I wanted. I felt myself unravel, sparks flying all over my body as the heat spread from my heart.

I gasped in shock and he sucked my bottom lip in between his, drawing himself even closer and moaning. He sounded so hot**.** I'd dreamt for so long of how his moan would sound**,** and hearing it now did things to my body that I couldn't comprehend. I felt the blood rush to my cock and gripped his clothes**,** pulling him on top of me until he straddled my thighs. I was running on pure lust and felt as though I was teetering on the brink of insanity; surely I must be imagining this?

He ran his fingers through my hair while grinding down on my hardness and I thrust up to meet him.

"God, Edward…you have no idea how long I've wanted this…" I moaned in response and moved to find his lips again**,** but he moved back and held my face in his hands…"You're so beautiful…"

And just like that, I was brought back to earth as a distant memory played in my mind within the time frame of a second.

"_Edward, I really think he's the one. I think I love him… He says I'm the most beautiful person he's ever seen, and he really says it like he means it…He's in love with my eyes; sometimes I'll just catch him staring at me in what looks like awe. I've never felt like this before…Please be happy for me…"_

Alice had spoken each of those sentences to me at one moment in time; she needed me to act as her brother, her ally and I was stabbing her in the back. I suddenly felt sick. I roughly pushed Jasper off to the side and stood up.

"What the fuck, Edward?" He stared at me in disbelief before standing up to meet me.

"Jasper, I can't do this. I'm sorry, you have to go." I rushed to the front door and held it open for him. He followed slowly**,** without taking his eyes off me**,** and stopped as he turned to face me.

"Edward, I'm sorry…I shouldn't have done that…"

"Look just…you have to go" I repeated**,** gesturing towards the lobby

"Can I call you?" He looked hopeful as he waited for my answer.

"Look, I don't know, just give me a little space..." He pursed his lips, gave me a lingering look and then left without another word. I shut the door, running my hands through my hair and over my face, before he had made it two steps.

--

I tossed and turned in bed; in my mind I kept going over everything that had happened today. I felt like such an asshole and what made it worse was that I really wanted to change how I felt. I didn't want to still be in love with him**,** but there was no denying what I felt today. All of the hate that I'd felt over the years, had just turned and done a one eighty and I couldn't change it back. What type of person does this to their sister?

My mind churned as I began to think about the kiss. Instantaneously my body began to react again**;** and though I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about how soft his lips were and how it felt to finally feel them on mine**. **The fantasies just didn't compare. My erection felt almost painful; maybe this was my punishment for loving someone that I couldn't rightfully have.

The recipe for lasagna, this evening's Fox news, an old woman's sagging breasts ... I tried thinking of any and everything that would get rid of this problem, but even after bringing out the big guns it was apparent that nothing was working. No matter what I thought about, Jasper was always in the corner of my mind; taunting me with his spectacular smile. Sighing, I sat up, leaning my head against the headboard as I came to the conclusion that I'd lost the battle.

Closing my eyes, my hand ghosted from my neck down my chest, grazing my nipple as it passed. As my fingers reached the trail of hair leading to my cock, I ran my nails against my sensitive skin, feeling the effect it was having on my already hard-as-steel member. In my mind, Jasper was exploring my body, reveling at the chance to touch me in all the ways that I imagined touching him. I pulled myself out from my shorts and ran my hand from base to tip, hissing as I spread the pre-cum over the head. _God… I wish that this was his tongue_. I felt myself become even harder as that visual came to my mind.

I began steadily pumping myself, closing my eyes as I let the pleasurable feeling envelope me, moving my hips to the rhythm of my hand and moaning uncontrollably. I felt myself teeter on the edge; I was so close. I craved him so badly, I needed him here, I wanted to feel him, taste him…_God_…the things I would do to him…My mind replayed the moan that he'd let out during our kiss and that was it. I exploded over my chest and neck, grunting and panting.

I sat there for a while, letting my breath slow back down to normal before I got up and cleaned myself off. The guilt was already taking over as my mind registered what I had just done. I hadn't jacked off to thoughts of Jasper since college; I'd made sure of it. All of my hard work, keeping him at a distance and out of my sexual fantasies had been ruined with one kiss…and now…I was in deep shit.

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**Hmm so what are we thinking? Reviews get a little sneak peak of the next ch ;)**

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**Musique87**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I'll keep it brief and see you guys at the bottom!**

**Thousands of thank you's go to the wonderful MorganaL who reads through my work and makes it sound good! and all of you who are reviewing and adding UcL to your alerts, it really means alot!**

**Of course as we all know...I don't own anything to do with Twilight**

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It had been a week. One of the longest weeks I've been through in a while. Trying to act as though nothing had happened was hard. I tried to throw myself into my work**,** and it did seem to help somewhat**.** I'd written three different compositions, two of which were directly influenced by Jasper. Staying true to his word, I hadn't heard from him**;** he was giving me the space that I'd asked for.

It was what I wanted**,** right? For all of this to never have happened, for my life to be empty of this confusion and guilt. So why couldn't I get him off my mind? Why did everything I do remind me of him? Of his soft and pink lips, of his gentle but masculine caress. My body craved him more now than it ever had. Now that I knew what I was missing...

He wasn't the only one who was sticking to their promise**,** either**.** Alice hadn't spoken his name once in the week that had passed. I was almost waiting for her to point out the fact that I looked uncomfortable when he was mentioned, but she didn't give me a reason to. She had listened to me for once and was trying to respect my wishes. It made me feel even worse. Over the weekend we had our monthly family dinner**,** which normally consists of me, my parents**,** Emmett and Rose**,** and Alice and Jasper. She didn't bring him**,** and I didn't know whether to love her or hate her for it.

Everyone commented on how preoccupied I looked**,** and I shrugged it off with an excuse about work. I didn't feel like being the talkative one**,** and I definitely didn't feel like playing the piano for my mom when she asked me to.

I decided today was my self-designated day off from any sort of work. I was lying in bed still, which was a first for me**,** considering that it was well after noon and I still had no idea what I was going to do with myself. I didn't feel like doing anything. My mind was too cluttered. I needed to vent. I turned my head to the side and my eyes landed on my running shoes. Jogging normally eases my stress**,** but I really couldn't be bothered for some reason. As I looked away and continued to rack my brain on how to get my mind away from Jasper**,** my cell phone started ringing. I picked it up almost immediately**,** glad for the distraction.

"Oh**,** so you are alive then?" I sighed in relief; it was pretty stupid of me to pick up the phone not knowing whether it was the person I was trying to hide from. But it was Angela, and we were in dire need of a catch up.

"Hey**,** Angel**.**" I sighed**,** with a smile on my face. That was my nickname for her**,** because I felt as though she truly was my guardian angel. Angela had always been there for me since we met in high school. We actually tried dating for a while – before I admitted to myself who I was. If I were her**,** I would probably hate me**.** I led her on**,** and used her to prove a point to myself and to others. But she was there when I was scared and felt alone**,** and she's been there to hold my hand ever since. She was one in a million**,** and the kindest person that I knew. She would give her last dollar if you needed it more than her, even if you had once spat in her face.

"Edward, where have you been? Are you ok?" I furrowed my brow and sat up in bed.

"I'm fine, what's wrong?" She was getting me worried**,** because she sounded as though something wasn't right.

"You were supposed to be here an hour ago**,** babe. Remember our brunch date?"

"Oh**, **shit!" I jumped out of bed and dragged on my clothes**.** "I'm so so sorry**,** Angel, I'll be there in fifteen minutes!" She said ok**,** and then hung up as I dashed around my apartment**,** trying to get ready. I brushed my teeth and tried without luck to sort out my hair**,** but I couldn't get it looking any different from the bird's nest that it was. I didn't have time to fiddle with my contacts and so opted with putting my glasses on**.** I was out of my building and driving the five-minute journey to Angela's within ten minutes of jumping from my bed. That was pretty good timing**,** if I say so myself.

As I pulled up to her place**,** she greeted me at her front door**,** hands on hips and a scowl ruining her beautiful face. She kept her face hard as I approached her**, **with my puppy**-**dog expression intact and my hands locked together in a pleading pose. She broke out into her high pitched giggling laugh as I reached her**,** and threw her arms around my neck.

"Hey baby, I missed you!" She squeezed my neck tightly as I picked her up from the ground and swung her from side to side.

"I'm so sorry, I completely forgot-"

"Hey, don't worry about it, it happens to the best of us. What matters is that you're here now**.**" She patted my chest and then grabbed my hand as she led me through the hallway, the kitchen**,** and into her garden**,** where we sat in front of the food**.** "You can make it up to me another time, and I want the full works. French toast, eggs, bacon, sausage…mmmm**.**"

I laughed as I took in her blissful facial expression. As I was already late**,** and her plate heaters could only keep the food warm for so long**,** we quickly dug in to her amazing food. Angela was one of the best cooks that I knew. She almost rivaled my mother. And let me tell you, Esme Cullen was not one to go up against in the kitchen; she put Martha Stewart to shame.

I scraped the last of my food onto my fork**,** then patted my bloated belly as I swallowed my last mouthful. Angela was watching me with a smirk. "What? Do I have something around my mouth?" I wiped my lips with the back of my hand**,** just in case.

"No, I'm just waiting for you to tell me what's on your mind, that's all…" She replied casually**,** before taking a sip of her freshly**-**squeezed orange juice. Ugh, having a best friend that knew you inside out kinda sucked sometimes**;** I couldn't hide anything from her. I**,** too**,** took a sip of my juice**,** stalling for time before I had to answer her.

"You're right; I've actually got a lot on my mind right now…It's probably the reason why I forgot about today." I grimaced. Angela took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"You know that I'm always here if you need me**,** Edward**. **You don't need to keep it bottled up if you don't want to."

And so I told her everything…and I mean everything. It felt so refreshing**,** being able to express all the inner feelings that I'd been repressing…or**,** at least**,** trying to repress for the last seven years. I was finally able to share this burden that's been weighing down on me…as I finished, I finally met her eyes and shrank back at what I saw.

Angela was livid. I'd never seen her angry at someone before**;** sure**,** she gets annoyed**,** but pure anger at another human being…that wasn't Angela. So to see her so infuriated was slightly unnerving.

"I can't believe this**,** Edward**.**" She was shaking her head, her face fixed into a scowl.

"I know…I'm sorry**.**" I felt like the lowest of the low**;** she made me feel embarrassed because of how I felt. If only I didn't still have feelings for him. I placed my head in my hands and took a deep breath. She sighed.

"No, Edward**,** don't be sorry. I mean**,** yes, this is a really bad situation that you've gotten yourself into**;** but the only thing that _you_ did wrong was not to tell anyone…"

She moved her chair closer to me and started rubbing my back. "Do you really think that Alice would have given Jasper the time of day if she knew why you two stopped speaking? What he did was cruel, he was selfish back then**,** and he's being selfish now by putting you in this position…You have to tell Alice**,** honey**. **You don't owe him anything…"

I lifted my head slightly**,** so that I was now holding my chin on my fingertips**,** as I whispered**,** "But I love him**.**"

She looked at me sadly. "Sometimes**,** what we love are the things that are the worst for us…" I stared at her as I took in her words…Is Jasper the worst thing to happen to me? Part of me screamed, asking 'How could feeling like this be wrong?'**;** but then another part of me – the guilty part **--** told me, 'Of course this is wrong, you wouldn't have an inner monologue if it wasn't.'

Driving home I found it incredibly hard to concentrate on the road. My mind just wasn't focused; I kept replaying Angela's wise words about the predicament that I was in.

I needed to leave Jasper alone.

I wasn't used to making decisions based on my heart, because frankly I'd never given it to anyone else. Jasper had stolen it a long time ago**. **However, nothing good could come out of him and I pursuing anything further than the few conversations that we'd had. Nothing at all could come out of it, other than lies, deceit, guilt and heartbreak. Whether it was my heart that broke**,** or Alice's; either way**,** I knew that I couldn't take it.

After parking in front of my apartment, I made my way up to my door and trudged through to the living room. I knew that I needed to call him, to tell him that I had come to a decision. I needed to forget that this had ever happened. Go back to how life used to be. To the days of fucking guys as they came, and then forgetting most of them by the next day. It was a simpler life.

If I put any effort into it**,** I could get a date just like that. It was never too difficult to get a man to succumb to my charm when I laid it on thick. I hadn't had a serious relationship since Tyler, but I'd had plenty of long nights wrapped up in the sheets of the hottest men Seattle had to offer. Sure**,** my heart hadn't been too impressed**,** but my dick sure was**.** And I hadn't used my technique in a while; I'm sure that Mr Man was resenting me for it.

I scrolled through the contact list on my Blackberry**,** looking to see if any names jumped out at me. Alistair – no way, too clingy; Carlos – too far away, I didn't feel like committing to that long drive just for sex; George – why did I even have this guy's number**,** he was the worst fuck I've had in my life; Ian – I shivered, remembering the goose bumps he gave me**,** and put him in the **'**maybe**'** pile in my mind as I continued scrolling; Jasper – my fingers froze over the ball as I stared at his name. I needed to call him, let him know to forget about this past week. But I was afraid to hear his voice.

I opened up a text message and began to type;

_**Thank you for not calling…**_

I deleted that**. **Why am I thanking him? I'm about to tell him never to call again**;** what am I going to do, thank him for leaving me alone every time I bump into him? I started again**.**

_**We can't do this; I can't do this to Alice. I'll forget what you told me…this never happened…Edward**_

There, that was straight to the point**,** not beating around the bush. I pressed the **'**send**'** button and bit my lip as I saw that it had been delivered. I sighed to myself as I rested my head on the back of my couch and contemplated what I'd just done. I did the right thing…right?

Not even a minute later**, **the phone started ringing loudly in my lap. I looked at the screen, knowing instantly who it must be. I didn't know whether I should pick it up, but he obviously knew that I was close by**.** I'd just sent him the text.

Tentatively**,** I pressed the green light, but didn't say anything. My heart was beating loudly in my chest**;** how did he make my body react like this when he wasn't even in the same room as me? I'd never been like this with anyone else**,** and it scared me.

"Edward? Edward it's me…" He sounded anxious; I bit my lip as I took a deep breath through my nose before replying.

"Why are you calling me**,** Jasper?" I said quietly**,** trying to build up any strength that I had so that I could talk to him and sound resolute with my decision.

"Edward, your text…I know you don't want that-"

"You don't know what I want…"

"Yes**,** I do**.**" he interrupted me**.** "I know that what I felt last week wasn't a one sided**-**thing, and I've given you your space to come to terms with it…but I know that you want me as much as I want you**.**" I shook my head**,** even though I knew that he couldn't see me.

"I can't do it…I won't**.**" He was silent for a few seconds and I took that time to get myself together**. **My hands were shaking from the adrenaline rush that was brought on by talking to him. He switched tactics.

"Alice and I aren't happy**,** Edward**. **We were gonna break up anyway. You and I being…_friends_" – he emphasized the word as if trying to prove something --"isn't going to make a difference. That's all we have to be**,** if that's what you want…I can be your friend, anything is better than nothing."

"You're not happy?" That was news to me**.** Alice still held her love struck grin most days**;** I had no idea they even had minor arguments**,** let alone bad times where they weren't happy.

"No, we've been going through a rough patch recently, but you know…things happen, and they do for a reason…" he said fervently**.** "We can be friends**,** Edward**.** I just want to have you in my life again…"

"Friends?" I repeated**,** furrowing my eyebrows. Wondering if I could**,** in fact, be his friend.

"If that's what you want…" he said softly**.** "Alice would be happy that we've finally started talking**.**" he dropped in optimistically.

"Yeah…yeah I guess she would**.**" I replied, feeling my weakening resolve crumble to dust. "Friends**,** then?"

"Friends**.**" he repeated**.** I could hear the lip splitting-grin that he sported through the sound of his voice. He stopped me before I had a chance to hang up**.** "Edward…do me a favor, uh, could you let me tell Alice**,** please?"

"Uh…sure**.**" I sputtered**. **Hanging up**,** I realized that I hadn't thought we were going to tell her so soon**. **But**,** I guess there was no point hiding it**;** she'd be over the moon. I just hoped that I could live up to this and actually be his friend. I hoped that I was strong enough for this.

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**AN: **

**Ok guys, so I'm not sure if you read my other fic "The Hand that rocks the Cradle" but I'm going to repeat what I said in my last AN... I've just started Uni and they're working us so hard already, I'm going to try my best to update as soon as possible but right now I really have to concentrate on my degree. I will still be working on both stories and trust me it wont be ridiculously long until you hear from me. I'll be back very soon! (^^,)**

**Musique**


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